My Mental State

You can’t write depression or anxiety away.

Which is something I’ve learned the hard way but you can write you pain and sometime that eases it. At least for me it eases some of the pain. It has to be the right time though. Writing like this comes for me when I most need it.

Yes. I can just write about my life and experiences but until I’m ready it doesn’t help me. Putting my story out there is something I enjoy doing but I want to always be as real, open and honest as I can. Being all of those things is hard when you’re not feeling them. It takes on a different life when you’re feeling 100%.

Currently I’m running at about 29%. Not doing to great it seems but it’s okay. I know that at then end of this I will come out stronger and knowing more about who I am. Leaning more about how I react in certain situations under stress or little sleep or sadness is always an interesting experience. I come out of each wave of my depression stronger. Getting out is hard though.

It starts to feel as if all of the walls around me are closing in. Almost as if I can see them move. There are these four walls and right now I cannot see the door out. My four surrounding walls currently are: do I move, job, how to make everyone happy and my thoughts.

Moving & Job

I like the work I do but I work in what I would call a toxic environment. Everyone is always bringing others down, constantly complaining and lack of support. It’s hard to want to work or to even be motivated to work when no one else around you feels the same. Don’t get me wrong I do like working hard and knowing that I doing my work right. It’s just hard to be left standing alone. With that I’m looking for a new job but I need to find competitive pay for where I live. I also don’t want to stay in the same small town forever. The next part of that is do I stay in the medical field or try for something different? What if I fail at something different?

I’m thinking finding a job out of state and moving. Thinking about moving create a lot of anxiety for me even though I want to do it. My entire life and a lot of my family lives here, why would I want to leave somewhere that I have it so well? It is a step I want to take but I have to work through my own anxieties first. (Obviously I’m not going to anxiety free but at least calm some of them.)

How to make everyone happy

I would rather make sure everyone I care about is doing good rather then myself. If someone I love is having a hard time I want to do whatever I can to make them better. I will ALWAYS place them before myself which isn’t always healthy. I’m trying to find the right balance of taking care of myself and taking care of others.

My thoughts

This is where I really start to lose myself. I get caught up in the negative thoughts. They’re thoughts like: everyone secretly hates me or I will never be good enough or I’m never going to accomplish anything good in this lifetime. When I start to think about them I get lost in a sea of negative. I’m working so hard on getting myself out of this mental state. It’s just not something that happens overnight. (Especially if I’m not sleeping) Each day I try to push out some of that negative and fill it with some positives. I am extremely blessed to have amazing family and friends who do support and tell me loving and positive things. Truthfully whenever anyone sends me something sweet or kind or loving or positive I screenshot it and those are what I look at everyday to help place positive thoughts I to my head.

Ahh, so I’ve reached the end of this post. I do feel a small sense of relief after this. I’m grateful to be able to write out my feelings and thoughts. If you’re one of the mentioned above I am forever grateful for your love and support even if I don’t show it or agree with you at first.

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