“Just endure it, you can do it. One day you won’t have to and that’s what’s important.” Something I would often say to myself when I was younger living with my stepdad. Endure it. I’ve always loved my momma but her choice of husband for 20 years I didn’t love. My stepdad spent a good portion of my life emotionally abusing me (really my family) via his anger/yelling. Its because of my stepdad that I told myself to endure it.
I absolutely HATED going home, I would’ve always chosen to go to my best friends house to escape from whatever yelling and angry he’ll awaited at home because of my step dad. Just going home made me anxious and even scared some days. My sanctuary at home unless my step dad wasn’t there was alway my room, I would stay in my room for 90% of the time that he was home. I had to come out for dinner but then I could escape back to my room, again. My room didn’t silence the yelling, my room didn’t block out the anger and my room did make the tears go away but it gave me some relief knowing that if he couldn’t see or hear me I might be safe from the yelling for that moment.
At this point some of the emotional scars have faded but not all of them. There are still days where everything just becomes so overwhelming and too much to handle. During those times I have to tell myself to endure it, again. I had always thought once he was out of my life that I wouldn’t have to tell myself to endure it anymore. Turns out that’s not exactly the case. The days, weeks or months that I have to remind myself to endure it are really hard. Sometimes I think maybe if I just quit my job, become a hermit and just abandon my friends and family that it’ll be better for them. If I just leave everyone behind then no one has to deal with my ridiculous emotions or hearing all the reasons why I don’t think I’m good enough. Which are parts of the things that I go through whenever I hit a low spot again.
In those low spots all I can think about is every terrible thing that’s been directed at me, thoughts of my own self hatred and just the overwhelming sense of I’m not good enough. I’ve not conquered the ability to make those times go away completely but I have learned how to overcome them each time. I can endure it, but sometimes I don’t want to. The good news is that I chose to and that I become stronger. I don’t know if those times will ever go away or just keep getting further apart. What I do know is that without those moments and memories I don’t know whom I’d be or how to help those around me who are suffering in similar ways. I believe those moments have taught me how to be a compassionate, kind, loving and a pretty good human. I’m not sasayying I want to continue having those moments or flashbacks but I will that not matter how terrible they are I’d never trade them for something better because I’d rather take the suffering not someone else.