Sometimes I’m not okay, and I so wish someone would see I’m not okay but here’s the thing about that. I try not to show when we’re not okay we hid it and so I can’t be mad or sit around going I want someone to see that I’m not okay. Unless I’m willing to let them see that part of me, but that’s hard to let someone in and see the worst part of yourself.
Showing someone the raw truth about how I’m not okay is scary, hard, difficult and sometimes can ruin things. It should turn out okay if that person is truly there for you because if they’re not there to support me why are they here? I understand that I’ve made choices that some of my friends don’t like but there are still by my side supporting me. Even if my choice for me to be sad that day. They will try to cheer me up which is so nice to know that they care but in those moments all I can feel is sad.
There are days where all I do is sit around and think about how awful of a person I am, or how ugly I am or that I’m worthless. My friends are always the first to tell me I’m not but it’s hard to believe that on the days that I’m not okay. Those days might not be me, but it brings back up my insecurities from wherever they were hiding.
Insecurities suck. They make me feel like I’m all wrong, I look wrong, I’m not doing anything right and they overall make you feel like I’m not okay. Which in those days I really might not be okay. Trust me I know what it feels like to not be okay.
What I feel is the worst part of not being okay is wanting to tell everyone I’m not okay. If I did that I would feel worse because “I took up their time telling them something unimportant about my life which they probably don’t care about.” Or. They might think “Wow she is truly crazy, I need to get away from her!” These are not the case and how they feel but it’s usually how I feel after I tell someone what’s running around in my head. Which in turn is why I hid it.
Hiding it sucks also. Hiding it just pushes all of my deep feelings and insecurities down. Doing that then just creates a big ball of sadness, anger and worry inside of me. Then one day (week/month) comes along, after being happy for so long, where I just let it out and I cry, get angry at everyone, and worry about everything. Sometimes, those days come when I’m having a great day with one of my best friends so then they see me at my rawest form, which sucks because it’s 100% what I didn’t want. Then I turn to my friends and I see that they’ve not left and they still love me. When I think more about it, I realize that they have those times too, and I hate knowing that they do but I do know that I will be here to support them if they need it.
Having days where you’re not okay is okay. Not being okay is okay. Not being happy all of the time is okay. Letting the feelings out and being you is a good thing, even when it does suck.
Much Love xx