Proving my worth


Recently I’ve been feeling like I have to constantly prove myself to people. I feel like I shouldn’t have to.

We were having a family birthday party on Sunday and I was tempted to not go because part of my family makes me feel like I have to constantly prove my worth to them. It feels like they are constantly around me trying to figure out my flaws. (Let me tell you that I have many!) It makes me feel like I’m not worth it to talk to or I have to change what I believe. One of the last times my second cousin made fun of me for liking one direction, and I left that night feeling like I needed to changed who I was because my family didn’t accept who I am. Keep in mind this is my extended family. Keeping that in mind it feels like I need to work harder to be closer to them, because I’m really close with my 3 younger cousins and I feel like I should be close to my second cousins because they are closer to my age. I don’t have older cousins, I’m the older cousin, it seems selfish but I feel like I deserve to have older cousins. Being “looked up to” is nice but I’m always afraid that I’m making a mistake that they will follow and it will hurt them.

When I rolled the golf cart the first thing that popped into my head is what if I killed or seriously injured my cousin? I didn’t but I hurt almost everyone and scared Lucian. At that point I would’ve loved it to be Ben who rolled it or anyone else, just not me! Being the older cousin and the one to roll it I had to get everyone to trust me again and get back on it. This whole process of trying to get everyone on the golf cart was interesting.

Lucian was the easiest to convince because he for some reason still had faith in me, which was so reassuring!

Tovah took a little convincing, like I had to promise to go slow, and then she was convinced.

The hardest of them all was Ryan, she didn’t want to go on it, not even in the slightest. I had to promise her that I wouldn’t go up or down the hill we rolled on, I would go super slow, she wanted to sit in the middle next to me and Lucian, no distractions, little to no talking, and check and make sure she was doing ok.

I had to prove myself to these three to gain their trust in my driving, and I did! It was a great feeling to have gained it back! When Ryan wouldn’t budge at first I felt that I needed to keep pushing her to trust me and to prove myself to her/them/myself.

This type of proving myself is something I mostly enjoy doing because it shows not only me that I am able to do the things that I set for myself to do but it also shows others that I am able to push myself. But when others want me to change who I to prove to them that I can be what they want, I just get upset. I want to prove myself to them but I have to change who I am in order to do so.

I have this need to make people stay in my life, so for awhile changing who I am was ok with me.  There’s another part of me that knows that I don’t need to change who I am for others because who I am is good, and worth knowing.

The part of me that wants to keep people in my life is because I’ve never meet my real dad and it hurts to think that someone walked away from me, it makes me feel so worthless. I over compensate by trying to please everyone I talk to so that I don’t have the hurt of someone walking out on me (again) Yes I was a baby when he left but to me it feels like it’s my fault because he managed to not leave when Ben was born but with me he left. I’m not sure if this is completely true but, in my mind that’s how I feel. In my mind I have always made people leave me.

As I’ve grown up I understand more that I really don’t need to change who I am for anyone. Its a hard mindset to be in though., because I’m the person who likes to please people so if someone is upset with what I like or am doing I will always second guess myself. Now I will second guess myself but mostly stick to what I believe. When I was younger (even last year) I would almost always change what I did or said. I would do things to please people (some specifics) because it would make them “happy”.  Now I’m believe in who I am and what I’ve gone through to help me figure out how to be me. It’s hard because you feel like the world is fighting every step you take but you can make it through.

What you need:

  • Your beautiful self
  • Anything that makes you smile (can be a book or a song)
  • A strong friend to lean on
  • Comfort food (I suggest chocolate)
  • Who you are
  • Faith in yourself

I’m a christian so God did help me through but I know not everyone is and I’m not go to try to tell you to believe in what I believe in, because it’s not my place to tell you to believe in something different.

When ever you feel the weight of  the world put on that song or read your favorite part in that book, and eat some of that comfort food. Once you’ve had sometime to breath, look back and see what the world was doing, it may be a big thing but find the one happy thing that came out of it. It’s hard to find something happy out of something horrible but trust me you can do it! You will fail, I still fail but you need to pick yourself up and start over. It will make you happier overall! I have faith in you, just have faith in yourself!

“You are worth so much more than you believe”

I’m always here if you need anything!

My social stuff is in my about section, I’m always on one of them!

Love you all tons!

 

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