Self Defeating

This is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. I’m like most of the world, in most things but most definitely in self defeating. For me its something I’ve always done, I know how horrible this sounds but it’s the truth. Even when I was youn10254204_567598200005773_1523049457_nger, I’d always think that I wasn’t good enough for my friends. This self defeating has led me down many paths that I know aren’t good, but along with the bad there is the good, because in do these “things” I’ve realized who I AM and who I want to BE.

First, in self defeating I always thought that I was never pretty and could never be beautiful. This is simply not true. I will say it “You ARE beautiful! No matter shape, size, weight, if you have brown or purple hair.” This is said SO much in our society but isn’t necessarily accepted. I do with my whole heart believe that it doesn’t matter what you look like. I didn’t believe this until around the end of  junior year, but in the time that it took me to realize I had already been stress eating, thinking negative, bringing others down, and just all around not doing anything to help myself be a better person. This went on for years, for about 8 years (at least).

This self defeating go me nowhere, and I mean nowhere! I had friends whom I knew that weren’t helping me move on or be a better person, yet I would chose to hang out with them. I would make choices based on what they thought was “cool” or would make me “better”. Choices like swearing was “really cool”, talking about sex was “what was expected”, and pretending to be different then who I was was “good”. At one point because my friend thought it was cool, I went to a party with her and drank. Because that was what was expected of me at the party, so I did.  As you can imagine all of these choices never brought me up. I felt like I was missing some big puzzle piece.

To help myself figure out I was really missing, because if you were to ask my friends they would tell you that all I needed was a guy, I started to think positive. If you were to look into my thoughts most of them would be “wow she’s so much prettier then me, I will never be pretty” or “these people don’t really like me”, just thoughts that were generally untrue, but I would put my heart and soul into believing them. Every time I would think negatively I would try to think one happy thought. That thought could simply be that the sun is out, of course I failed (a lot) but I kept pushing because I knew at some point something would give.  20140415-153135.jpg

Things didn’t start to give at first because I felt like I was tricking myself into these thoughts. As time went on I would look in the mirror longer and see something in my reflection that I really liked! At first it was my eyes, I have these pretty brown eyes and I had never took the time to appreciate myself and how I looked. When I did I thought “I’m so fat, and who likes brown hair” or “eww I have a freckle on my face, who’d like that?” These thoughts never did anything other then tear me down. When I changed my view of my body and myself I had different thoughts. These were like “I see what my grandparents meant, I do have pretty brown eyes”

In changing how I was thinking about myself I created this “new me” who of course has worries, but they seem so small compared to what I had thought before. This “new me” is also happier, A LOT happier, because not only do I feel better about myself  I’m able to look at people differently. Behind everyone there is something that they struggle with and if you help promote those self destructive thing you aren’t helping them any.

In changing how I thought it’s also changed what I said to people because I know that the one comment that seems harmless to me might keep them up all night wondering if it’s true and what’s wrong with them. People now, can say just about anything anonymously, because of the internet. (another blog post soon to come!) In hurting someone else you don’t solve your problems either. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you change how you look at yourself, you can change your life!

I would never trade what I’ve gone through because everything that’s happened to me has made me who I am today, and helps me to understand people. My understanding of people helps me to realize that there is a way to deal with every person and none of them are the same! Just take a look at yourself and realize that you are a BEAUTIFUL person!

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